[ It's incredibly indirect, given how normally Vanitas comes in swinging at full force from head on. He blames his fatigue for his hesitancy, though it's certainly far from the truth. ]
[ It's tempting to just ask what Vanitas wants, exactly, though perhaps it's also easy to guess. An explanation, perhaps. Why Castiel bothered. He has an easy excuse ready for that, put together carefully after leaving the museum. Or rather, relocating to its roof and brooding there, for a while.
[ The Why? continues to go unasked, because while it confuses him, he also knows Castiel is an angel, a being of Light. And all heroes are the same. Vanitas isn't special, he just happened to be right place at the right time. ]
[ Vanitas has the measure of him all wrong. Castiel knows he's not a hero. A far cry from it.
There's no response at first - not for a while. Castiel considers the conversation closed. It's until a few hours later that something about it still hasn't let go of Vanitas.
[ Vanitas' view of the world, despite the ways it's become more complex in his time in Beacon, is still a drastic dichotomy. Anyone that isn't like him must be on the other side. And this world, it seems to have drawn a certain flavor of person. Castiel, to him, is Light. It means he must be a hero. Someday, maybe, he'll come to learn things aren't so simple.
Castiel doesn't reply, so Vanitas drops the conversation. He falls back asleep, so the time injected in their conversation is only told by the timestamp on the tablet.
Even so, he's almost startled by the question when he reads it. Vanitas stares at it for a long time, one thumb resting on the keyboard. Would you have preferred to die? The answer, he knows in the quiet back of his mind, is yes. Fading away into nothing, it's like a far off dream. The peace, of knowing he doesn't have to fight anymore, that nothing would hurt. He wouldn't have to contend with any of these new, confusing, complicated feelings. He could just float away into the gentle embrace of darkness.
But that's a stark contrast to how hard he tried to get away, isn't it? That some of his final thoughts were that he'll come back, probably. ]
Castiel has confessed to Dean, not so long ago before his arrival in Beacon, that he thinks he might kill himself. He's declared his resurrections punishments, and yet time and time again has thrown himself at danger with reckless abandon.
Even before Castiel starting craving penance, even before he started thinking the world would be better off without him in it, he's not shied away from death, from dying.
They don't know what happens to angels when they die They don't get to go to Heaven or Hell or Purgatory. And where Castiel is from, those are the known options. He doesn't know what comes after - still doesn't. If there was an after, he cannot recall it. ]
I'll have to agree on that. Is it being brought back you struggle with?
[ Does he struggle with it? Waking up doesn't feel like a struggle. Facing the reality that he hasn't just faded into nothing with a quiet Good night. With his cheek pressed to the back of his hand, Vanitas stares at his tablet for a few long moments before answering. ]
[ It's not a question he should answer. Not a weapon he should hand someone who's confessed to wanting to hurt him. But when has Castiel ever made good choices. ]
Yes.
[ It's surprisingly easy to confess this to someone who doesn't care about him.
Freedom is a length of rope. God wants you to hang yourself with it. ]
[ It is the kind of ammunition Vanitas might use against him. Finding the hurt, pressing on it, welling those negative emotions to the surface are what Vanitas thrives on.
Only...
Only he's starting to learn, that he isn't the only one that exists in this existential despair every waking moment of his life. He isn't sure what he expects Castiel to answer with, but it isn't an affirmation. ]
[ Castiel takes a breath. He doesn't need it, technically. And still... he needs it. ]
My Father burdened me with purpose in resurrection, too.
[ At least he'd thought so initially. Brought back as a tool for one war he chose to fight, and one he had no choice but to lead. No purpose, no glory, no reward - just punishment for the mistakes of Castiel's existence. ]
[ Father, huh? He'd never considered Xehanort something like that. Vanitas never had a family. Even Ventus and Sora, the way he bandied about the term brother— it was all some false, ugly joke at the expense of himself and the universe. ]
[ The terminology is strange to most mortals. Other angels are brothers and sisters, kin, but they're not blood. They're a people, yet not. Their Father is their maker, and they are His children as humans are. And yet it's not quite family.
Family doesn't end in blood, as Castiel as learned. The Winchesters are his family, despite the lack of actual relation. ]
At the beach I thought your prayer was for her to save you. Was it for release?
A prayer is an invocation or act that seeks to activate a rapport with an object of worship through deliberate communication. In the narrow sense, the term refers to an act of supplication or intercession directed towards a deity, or a deified ancestor.
It can take a variety of forms: it can be part of a set liturgy or ritual, and it can be performed alone or in groups. Prayer may take the form of a hymn, incantation, formal creedal statement, or a spontaneous utterance in the praying person.
More importantly, it need not be so formal. A prayer can be a strong sense of longing or yearning for someone or something. For salvation. For aid. For mercy. For death.
[ Lucky nobody is around to see the way Vanitas goes red, a flush of embarrassment that makes him warm from head to foot. Had he, when he hit the beach, in a moment of weakness, really thought of her?
He's never been the kind of person to call out for another person, not on purpose, despite the way his heart yearns so violently to be whole, or at the very least, for peace. He's only ever been alone. Who would he even call for? ]
I didn't mean to.
[ But more than that...
He's struck with the idea that someone would have answered at all. ]
That impacts neither the validity nor intensity of your feelings. A prayer comes into existence for a reason. It shouldn't go unanswered.
[ None of Castiel's prayers have ever received answer. He can't fix himself, he can't help himself. What he can do is answer other people's prayers - even if he may not always be the answer they wish to receive. ]
[ Vanitas understands the idea of it. He might even go so far as to say he's bore witness to such a thing before— but the real question isn't what a prayer is. Or how it works. If Vanitas had sent one out, what had he meant by it?
The truth is he doesn't even remember invoking her name. Finally, after a few long minutes, he sends back: ]
[ Castiel's mind and being work differently. There's little that can disorient his memory. He can pass out under extreme circumstances, but his memory has no mercy on him. His mind stays sharp and present until he goes under.
Few things make an angel pass out.
Very few.
He's not quite sure why but... in light of their conversation, Castiel adds: ]
I would have done more had I been able to. Or less had you been able to make the request.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ It's incredibly indirect, given how normally Vanitas comes in swinging at full force from head on. He blames his fatigue for his hesitancy, though it's certainly far from the truth. ]
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[ It's tempting to just ask what Vanitas wants, exactly, though perhaps it's also easy to guess. An explanation, perhaps. Why Castiel bothered. He has an easy excuse ready for that, put together carefully after leaving the museum. Or rather, relocating to its roof and brooding there, for a while.
Castiel is good at that - brooding. ]
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Don't think this means I owe you.
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There's no response at first - not for a while. Castiel considers the conversation closed. It's until a few hours later that something about it still hasn't let go of Vanitas.
Dr Solis would have just brought me back.]
Vanitas, would you have preferred to die?
cw: suicidal ideation
Castiel doesn't reply, so Vanitas drops the conversation. He falls back asleep, so the time injected in their conversation is only told by the timestamp on the tablet.
Even so, he's almost startled by the question when he reads it. Vanitas stares at it for a long time, one thumb resting on the keyboard. Would you have preferred to die? The answer, he knows in the quiet back of his mind, is yes. Fading away into nothing, it's like a far off dream. The peace, of knowing he doesn't have to fight anymore, that nothing would hurt. He wouldn't have to contend with any of these new, confusing, complicated feelings. He could just float away into the gentle embrace of darkness.
But that's a stark contrast to how hard he tried to get away, isn't it? That some of his final thoughts were that he'll come back, probably. ]
Death isn't so bad.
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Castiel has confessed to Dean, not so long ago before his arrival in Beacon, that he thinks he might kill himself. He's declared his resurrections punishments, and yet time and time again has thrown himself at danger with reckless abandon.
Even before Castiel starting craving penance, even before he started thinking the world would be better off without him in it, he's not shied away from death, from dying.
They don't know what happens to angels when they die They don't get to go to Heaven or Hell or Purgatory. And where Castiel is from, those are the known options. He doesn't know what comes after - still doesn't. If there was an after, he cannot recall it. ]
I'll have to agree on that. Is it being brought back you struggle with?
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Do you?
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Yes.
[ It's surprisingly easy to confess this to someone who doesn't care about him.
Freedom is a length of rope. God wants you to hang yourself with it. ]
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Only...
Only he's starting to learn, that he isn't the only one that exists in this existential despair every waking moment of his life. He isn't sure what he expects Castiel to answer with, but it isn't an affirmation. ]
I should have faded away long ago, too.
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What kept you from your peace?
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And then I was here.
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My Father burdened me with purpose in resurrection, too.
[ At least he'd thought so initially. Brought back as a tool for one war he chose to fight, and one he had no choice but to lead. No purpose, no glory, no reward - just punishment for the mistakes of Castiel's existence. ]
And what about your resurrections here?
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What about them?
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Family doesn't end in blood, as Castiel as learned. The Winchesters are his family, despite the lack of actual relation. ]
At the beach I thought your prayer was for her to save you. Was it for release?
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Prayer?
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A prayer is an invocation or act that seeks to activate a rapport with an object of worship through deliberate communication. In the narrow sense, the term refers to an act of supplication or intercession directed towards a deity, or a deified ancestor.
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More importantly, it need not be so formal. A prayer can be a strong sense of longing or yearning for someone or something. For salvation. For aid. For mercy. For death.
You longed for Dr. Solis before you passed out.
I apologize that it was I who heard and answered.
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He's never been the kind of person to call out for another person, not on purpose, despite the way his heart yearns so violently to be whole, or at the very least, for peace. He's only ever been alone. Who would he even call for? ]
I didn't mean to.
[ But more than that...
He's struck with the idea that someone would have answered at all. ]
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[ None of Castiel's prayers have ever received answer. He can't fix himself, he can't help himself. What he can do is answer other people's prayers - even if he may not always be the answer they wish to receive. ]
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The truth is he doesn't even remember invoking her name. Finally, after a few long minutes, he sends back: ]
I don't remember.
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[ Castiel's mind and being work differently. There's little that can disorient his memory. He can pass out under extreme circumstances, but his memory has no mercy on him. His mind stays sharp and present until he goes under.
Few things make an angel pass out.
Very few.
He's not quite sure why but... in light of their conversation, Castiel adds: ]
I would have done more had I been able to. Or less had you been able to make the request.
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[ It's true of Vanitas, anyway. Pain begets Darkness, and that is where his power comes from. Not just figuratively, but literally. ]
It's done. If you regret it, it's too late to take it back.
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I'd like to see you try.
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